A beautiful friend sent this to me while I am here at the beach. How her timing is perfect ! I am trying to find my foundation again, my balance. I am praying for the first time in months. I am writing for the first time in a long time. I feel like the prodigal daughter. The child who has wandered off course. I am praying for wisdom and divine discernment and revelation that I find the balance so I can come back strong. So that I can get back up from this fall on this track .
My world has come crashing down. Giving myself away a little bit more every day until there is nothing left. If I am throwing it all on the table and being brutally honest, don’t know how to be anything else, don’t we want it all, we want it now, we want life to be fair, don’t we all? We lose ourselves under the faces that we LEARN to wear. We take the hits and we will still say we are fine, even when we are not. We smile when we are crying inside. We all want to be loved and accepted.
We are so busy trying to find wonderland and working to have it all that we forget what we have here in our hands. I have been physically, mentally and spiritually in a desert land. The last year of my life has been tough but the last two months have been unbearable. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my Grandmother dying. How I loved her ! Wish I could hear her voice once more. A year ago my heart attack scare and health issues came to the surface. The health thing is something I took for granted before this year.
Foundations have been shaken. Faith has been shattered and I cannot seem to get up off the ground. I have made mistakes. I have faltered and failed miserably. The warrior that led others and prayed for others could not pray for herself the last few months.
When I stepped up to be on the prayer team and small group leader in January, I was told several things, one that there would be a target with your back on it in Hell. The enemy will come after you because you are making a difference. I was so naive that I said, Bring it. I knew my faith was strong. I knew the Lord and his voice well. I said, Hit me with your best shot like Pat Benatar sang about when I was growing up. Little did I know how real those words were and the testing that would happen. Every thing that was my security has been tested to a degree that I have never known. Because of it and some other hits, I have not gone to church in months.
This is my first time ever solo at the beach in 49 years. I left for restoration and rest. It has been liberating and intimidating. Thinking about who I am and what I am here for and the purpose of it all. Relationships, family, goals and dreams. I am reflecting on a friendship that I have lost or rather I thought I had. Clarity happens here for me.
When you realize you would go through an ocean for someone and they will not walk thru a puddle for you makes you realize the tears you cried were wasted. Clarity ! Watch what people do and not what they say is a great lesson that I still have to learn from time to time even at 49 years old. I have been made to feel less than or not good enough. As I have pondered on this here, I realize that no one can make you feel this way unless you give them the power to do so. It is a choice. Reminding myself to not allow someones negativity or hurtful words make me question myself. I have told myself today what I have heard for years, do not allow someone else rob your joy. I also realize it is what I have done for months. Giving others the power over my attitude. Letting the contractor that stole our deposit money and damage the new horse farm that we bought is truly a crook but I allowed him to steal my joy. I am contacting the right authorities to make sure he does not do this to someone else but I have to trust that the Lord will take care of this situation. Letting peoples actions and words that I do not understand, rob my joy.
I have watched the waves go back and forth and I realize today that this is a glimpse of the power of forgiveness of our God. He washes away our (my) imperfections, our (my) sin, our (my) ugliness and cleanses us (ME) and redeems us (me) and wants to make us (Me) whole again if we (I) will allow him to do it. It is amazing to watch how smooth the water washes the shore every 30 seconds or so. Wave after wave. Waves of grace, waves of healing, it is medicine for my soul from the Great Physician who told this ocean how far it could go.
The last few months and even this week, I have been known to lose my temper, my patience and my pride, but I have never lost the need to pray. I just pushed the need aside. As the song from Point of Grace says, Lord, I don’t need some truth revealed to me or some sacred thing to hold, all I really need is just a little more faith to believe what I already know.
I am seeing some things clearly during this solo time , during this valley, during the uncertainties of life, the way I must keep the candle flickering is to believe what I already know. The way we come out the other side stronger and wiser than before we walked into that storm, BELIEVE what we already know. the flickering will soon burn strong again with the help of the maker of the winds. I have to humble myself before the living God.
Today is the first time that I have spoke to my faithful God in months. I have been so angry even questioned him. I am questioning so many things. As I cried before the Lord today I am thanking him for his faithfulness EVEN when I have not been. Our God is faithful. So thankful for his grace and mercy. Once again, I am reminded his mercies are NEW every morning.
Friends will let you down. People you love and trust can go astray . I have let myself down, Lord, how can you still use me? Some how I sense the whisper of him saying, Watch me Darla. Come close to me again and you will see.
His grace is sufficient. What reassurance. Just like the sound of the soothing waves that I am hearing. Last night when the sun had set here on the beach and darkness was all around , the sound of the ocean assured me that his grace is out there, so soothing, so cleansing and now is the time to step back into the water and let him wash away the cares of the world.
This warrior has fallen down. This warrior is heartbroken by all the hits from this brutal world, I have to hold on to the promise, in my weakness… HE SHOWS UP! I do not know what my future holds. I read today, when you do not know what the future holds and so much is uncertain, look to the one that NEVER changes. Just the reassurance that I need. I am making list. List are therapy for me. I am getting my strength back. I am truly learning that the best kind of people are the ones that come into your life and make you see the sun where you once saw clouds. The people that believe in you so much that you start to believe in yourself again too. The people that love you for being you, NOT what you can provide for them and it is not always about them, TRULY once in a lifetime people. Some people, I have cared so much for through the years but they are officially out of my life. It is something I have to do for me to grow. I truly wish them the best. But, bye-bye is liberating.
Looking over the ocean this morning, The thoughts in my head goes something like this….If he can hold this ocean before me back with one little shore on this vast coastland, it is assurance, HE HOLDS EVERYTHING ! So glad I am still in his reach !